A friend recently told me that she has no idea when someone is flirting with her, and she’s not alone. In one study, women were only 18% accurate in recognising men’s flirting, and only 36% of men were accurate about women's flirting.
If this is true it means we are probably missing out on potential romantic connections, which feels like even more of a miss today, when increasingly more of us are hoping to meet people IRL.
Flirting on a date is one thing, the context sets our expectations - that’s kind of what we’re there to do. But what about spotting a flirt out in the wild?
One reason we are so bad at detecting someone’s interest in us, is because we display it in a variety of ways. It’s generally accepted that there are 5 styles of flirting, and although the research may be a little behind modern relationships, understanding them could help you to hone your flirt radar.
Here is a completely oversimplified summary of the 5 styles, ranked from most overt to most subtle:
Physical
Easy to spot. This person will find ways to touch you and will use their body language to signal their interest - think of the classic hair toss.
Playful
With this style, we go from hair tossing to hair pulling. This person enjoys teasing and playing games, and they will often be hard to pin down for a deeper interaction.
Sincere
Could this be The One? This person will give you their undivided attention, listen actively and show genuine interest in your life. The sincere style can be tricky to spot because it shares a lot of the qualities we value in a really good friendship. While it may be a slower burn, it will feel more authentic.
Traditional
This style of flirt is pretty old school in their approach, they want to make sure they have the green light before making a move and will typically conform to outdated gender norms.
Polite
The most difficult to spot because it is the most reserved. The polite flirt will be cautious and respectful, almost to the point of not expressing interest.
This only scratches the surface of course, but by understanding the different ways that people express attraction, we can try to tune into the signals and hopefully catch more of them in real time!
One tip to practise better flirting
If you feel like you fall into the polite or traditional styles, you might not be conveying the attraction you’re feeling towards someone - bummer.
Flirting is deeply personal, and is most effective when you feel at ease so trying to adopt a certain style almost certainly won’t serve you. However there’s one thing that experts and basically everyone else agrees on, which is that eye contact works.
“I feel like guys are much better at picking up on interest from a women via eye contact. just look them in the eyes and think to herself ‘I think you’re really attractive’ and she’ll transmit that energy non-verbally, even if just for a fleeting moment”
So maybe try shooting some flirtatious glances, or holding eye contact for a fraction longer than you usually would during a conversation. Experiment, gauge how the other person is responding and as annoying as this sounds…try to not overthink it!
A post date recommendation
I’m slightly embarrassed to say that I’m pretty sure I had never seen a Barbara Streisand movie until this week. I’ve now watched two and I’m completely besotted.
The Mirror Has Two Faces is where it began. It’s the classic 90s New York, esoteric rom-com and Streisand is totally bewitching.
And 1996 Jeff Bridges? Yes please.
I followed this up with The Guilt Trip where she plays Seth Rogan‘s mum on a tense, cute, funny and ultimately moving road trip. I always wrongly assumed this movie had to be trash but I found it totally fun and adorable.
What should come next in my Streisand love affair? Let me know!